Friday, October 21, 2016

To My First Born

You may or may not have noticed that we have not posted any pictures of Madi and Carson together, or a family picture. I see all of the sibling and family pictures on Facebook when newborns arrive and imagined we would be posting the same. However, Madi is not ready to take pictures with Carson. She is not ready to kiss Carson or hug her. She is not ready to share her mommy. This letter is for my first born - the baby girl who taught me what unconditional love feels like - so this is for her and my keyboard is already almost soaked with tears.

Dear Sweet Girl,

The picture above is one I took of you last night after you fell asleep. It was the first time I put you to bed since having Carson and it was wonderful, yet painful - for the both of us. 

I knew that having a sibling was going to be hard on you. You and I have been inseparable since you were born. We have spent so, so many moments together - just the two of us for almost eight years. These past nine months have been hard on me - because I didn't want our special times to end either. I cried many tears thinking about it not just being you and me anymore. But I also know that Carson is a gift for both of us. You and I will always have our special time together. We can still be best friends. But maybe some times Carson can join in on our fun. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but she will be your best friend for life. She will be there for you and you will be there for her. 

I wish I could make you feel the depth of love I have for you. I wish I could make you believe me when I say that having Carson has not changed that depth of love or how I love you. Mommy has enough room in her heart to love you and to love Carson - to love you both with every depth of my soul. 

I pray that you will warm up to having a sister very soon. Not for any reason other than I don't want you to miss out on this time with your baby sister. I want to put you to bed even when I have to feed Carson. I want to hug you even when I'm holding Carson. I want you to be okay with that, but I can be patient. I can wait on you to be ready. I just pray that God will give me the tools I need to help you through this difficult time. 

I am so happy that you have Paul in your life and that you are trusting him to be there for you right now. Lean on him as long as you need sweet girl. We are all here for you and always will be. And when you are ready, I know that your little sister would love to be hugged and held and kissed by her big sister.  

I love you more than french fries sweet baby girl. And I always will.

<3, mommy


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