An Open Book

Most of you know that I'm an open book. I feel like if my transparency can help others going through a similar situation then it's my pleasure really (queue Chick-Fil-A), to share my experiences, emotions, and deepest thoughts. Plus it's therapeutic. So also slightly a selfish move.

The anniversary of my biological dad's death was this past Saturday. He's been gone now for 14 years, I think. Some of you may wonder why I don't post anything on social media about him on that day or his birthday, or even Father's Day. Here's the thing - what would I say? I didn't really think about him too much on Saturday and if I'm being honest I didn't think about him on Father's Day at all. Today though, I'm thinking about him. Perhaps it's because I listened to Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know," which was one of his favorite songs. I only learned that at his funeral. You see, I didn't know my dad. I have posted about this before but every so often, like today, these feelings just come up out of nowhere. I only really even listen to that song when I'm feeling especially vulnerable.

The feelings I have though aren't sadness. I'm angry. After 14 years, I'm still angry. And confused. I told my counselor I had handled all of those emotions, but the truth is, I will never fully "handle" them. They will always be there. The reoccurring question that runs through my mind when I think of my dad are "why didn't he love me?" No really. This isn't a sympathy-seeking post. WHY DIDN'T HE LOVE ME? He lived 45 minutes from me. 45 MINUTES!!! When I was 7 years old and he said he lived too far away to come see me on a Saturday, I trusted that was true. Now, I realize just what 45 minutes really is and I'm baffled. What was so much more important than visiting your daughter? The person you created???? I can think of other questions like did he talk about me with his other family? Was I ever even thought about? But really the biggest question is why didn't he love me. I'm a lovable person. I'm funny, I'm interesting, I'm spontaneous... there are reasons to love me! I'll likely never get the answer to this question. But it's there - roaming around in my mind.

I am blessed though. I'm blessed because I know my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me more than any earthly father ever could. And I know most fathers love their daughters intensely, so that's a lot of love. God also blessed me with the person I do call my dad. It's funny, because I had this biological tie to a man who created me and we had no connection. Then I have no biological tie - only a legal label - to my step-father who raised me. And now - now he technically isn't even my step-father. We have no legal label anymore yet I'm his daughter and he's my dad. He has shown me unconditional love from the day he met me. And although I'm so thankful and so blessed for it, it will never stop hurting that the man who had a part in my existence didn't even care to get to know me. 

I'm happy he was there for his step-daughter though. I truly am. I would never want anyone to grow up without a father-figure. I'll always tell people what a great musician he was and how I'm 100% sure he would be YouTube famous if he were still here on this earth. He was an excellent artist too. I believe Madi has his artistic abilities.  I wanted to know my dad. I admired him. But for whatever reason, which I'm sure was rooted very deep in him, he didn't have the strength or desire to be my dad. Even still, I'll always keep the few memories of him with me.