Skiing is for Athletes

I'm 32 years old (wait, 33? no, 32. Idk...) and I can really only recall two "most embarrassing" moments in my life. I mean I have a horrible, terrible, no-good memory so I doubt two is an accurate number of embarrassing moments in my lifetime but it's all I can recall.

It's been about {sidenote - I just stopped to calculate my age. Yes, on a calculator. I'm not 32, or 33. I'm 31. Oh dang.} 16 years since the most vivid embarrassing moment and I still cringe when I see pictures of ski slopes/skis/snow in the form of a slope/etc.

My friend Brandon posted a picture on Facebook this week of his daughter and him skiing. Of course my first reaction was I'm so sorry. To that I had to follow-up with "I'm not a grinch. I just had a horrible experience skiing and I can't imagine that anyone actually enjoys such a chore."

So, I'm here to share this embarrassing experience with you because that's what embarrassments are for, right? To share. Yes.

I was 15 years old, give or take and I signed up for the church youth group ski trip. I had never been skiing before because I just didn't come from that kind of family. Our version of a family vacation was going to Charleston for a weekend twice a year. Heeyyyy Holiday Inn!

Fifteen year olds are just odd, aren't they? So strange. I was going on this ski trip with teenagers from my gigantic church (equals tons of teenagers on trip) and in the whole group I had no friends. Why I wanted to go on this trip, I have no idea. I still remember the uncomfortable bus ride and the awkwardness of trying to fit in glances I threw in any normal looking girls' direction, because talking to get to know someone was just weird. Keep in mind these were kids that I went to Sunday School with every week, Wednesday night youth group, and summer beach trips for years. I was just a very socially awkward teenager and didn't make friends easily. I had a lot of acquaintances, I guess.

So anyway, that's important for this story because you need to get the full picture. Awkward 15 year old me, trying to keep up with the "cool" kids and make them be my friend while going skiing for the first time. Skiing is not glamorous y'all. I envy the girls who get out there and don't look like a giant marshmallow flying down a hill. How do you do it?!! Anyway. I followed a group of girls around and eventually graduated from the kiddie slope. Yes, I did that. Moving on - I took the ski lift up (I'm a real skier now! Look out! No, really...) to the bunny slope. I was more nervous about getting OFF the ski lift than actually going down the hill but I digress.

I made it down the hill with only a few tumbles. Wait. I don't know - I don't remember that part. I just remember the good part so for the sake of the story, let's pretend it's true. After going down the slope like a good 'ol first time skier I went back up for more.

Hold up - Important detail I forgot to mention. The snow was fake. It wasn't snowing. There was a bottom layer of real snow but the majority of it was fake snow from a snow machine.

Hold released - Picture me, a little more confident this time (with going down the slope; NOT getting off the ski lift). I was at the top of the slope with other people but somehow they zoomed on down before me and got back in line for the lift. So I push off, marshmallow fluff for arms and all, and glide down that bunny slope like I own it. I'm getting close to the bottom and trying to make that dang pizza slice. WHO CAME UP WITH THAT ANYWAY??? I'm at the bottom of the slope now and hey I see my friends girls who tolerate me (G.W.T.M.) and oh crap, the freaking pizza slices crossed over each other. This isn't going to end well. I slammed into one of the G.W.T.M. Skis flew, marshmallow fluff flew, G.W.T.M. yelled some not so nice words, and there we landed smack in a huge puddle of mud. I tried to get up as fast as possible but I guess all skis didn't fly because I had one still on and you know, trying to get up with two skis on is tough, but one? Even tougher. I got up and then fell right back down again - and yep, I pulled G.W.T.M. back down with me. Her friends, yeah she had those, helped her up. The mud and I had some more bonding time and when I finally got up I didn't even stick around to see how girl who no longer tolerates me (G.W.N.L.T.M.) was doing, out of complete mortification, naturally. You think the embarrassment is over now right? Wrong.

Here I am, now this huge chocolate mud-covered (COVERED) marshmallow girl, all alone with tears streaming down my face. I still had to find the stupid ski because they are rentals and I certainly didn't have hundreds of dollars to pay for those. If I did have that kind of money I would have absolutely ditched that other ski, but alas, I'm the girl whose family vacations at the Holiday Inn. Found my ski. Took the devil-sticks off and had to parade myself through the ski lodge to the bathroom. This ski lodge was packed y'all. I'm talking every teenager in America was here. No snow but still, every youth group was at Winter Place in West Virginia. I eventually made it to the bathroom where I attempted to wipe off my mud covered jacket/bibs/face/hair all while avoiding eye contact with anyone who walked in the bathroom. Once I was somewhat less of a hazard to the janitorial staff I planted myself in a corner of the ski lodge near greasy food and there I stayed for the remainder of the trip. Oh didn't I mention, this was the first day of the 4-day trip. Money well spent, parents. You should have gotten me ski lessons when I was two like the rest of upper-class America. Who am I kidding? I have the coordination of a drunk insertclumsyanimalhere.

Well there you have it. My #1 most embarrassing moment hours. Skiing is like a four-letter word to me. I cringe when I hear it and feel sorry for you when you say it. Ooooo. That's a good analogy. Is that an analogy? Whatever. Skiing is for athletes, or people with friends who will pick you up out of the mud.

Oh and snap. I think I'm "friends" with some of those girls on Facebook now. I can't remember who I crashed into but if it was you, I do apologize. I have refrained from skiing as to never cause such tragedy to another victim. You are welcome.