God's Got You

Three days ago I took my last dose of Zoloft, an SSRI (antidepressant/anxiety) medication. I have been on Zoloft, or some type of SSRI, for 17 years. That is HALF of my life.

Before I delve into my thoughts on this, let me preface by saying I firmly believe in the necessity of medication for depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. If I had diabetes I would not deprive myself of the insulin I needed. If your brain is not producing enough serotonin, which is what triggers depression/ & anxiety behaviors, then yes, of course you should visit a doctor and follow the course of action. My oldest daughter had debilitating social anxiety. She is currently on 25mg of Zoloft and now thriving. I believe medication is necessary...sometimes and for a time.

That being said...17 years ago when I first started taking Zoloft I definitely needed it. I was a Freshman in college and had dealt with anxiety/OCD for as long as I can remember. Here's the key - I wasn't a Christian. I thought I was but I wasn't so I was dealing with my anxiety all on my own. Alone. I was counting on being able to handle this daily, stressful, agonizing worry and stress by myself.

That just doesn't happen. It's not possible.

Fast forward a bit, in 2010 I became a Christian. Over the past decade I have had my ups and downs in my walk with God, but over the past 2 years I have become closer to God than ever before. About 8 months ago I made the decision to get off my medicine - to surrender, really - my anxious thoughts, occasional depression, and OCD behaviors to God. To let Him have them. And yes, you read that right - it took me 8 months to go from the maximum dose of Zoloft (200mg) to 0. Was it easy? Nope. Was it exhausting? Yep. Is it a struggle even now that I'm completely off? Yes. Do I feel like I'm going to cry at every single commercial? Yes. Am I succeeding? Yes. Yes, I am. Why? Because I have God.

Now let me go back to what I said before - serotonin levels in my brain were causing my anxiety. After 17 years on Zoloft I feel like that was plenty of time (more than enough, way more) to restore those levels. I'm not a doctor but based on some reading I do believe those medications are meant for short-term use. The problem is that we begin to believe we can't do life without them. We depend on them. But we don't have to! We can depend on God. God can get us through the anxious thoughts. God can be there for us when we feel like we have to make the bed 100 times (you think I'm joking -- wish I was!). God can be our crutch. 

Three days off of Zoloft and I'm feeling good. The journey to get here was rough, but it prepared me for this. It taught me how to go to God when in need. It taught me how to rely on the only One who can truly heal, completely and indefinitely. I'm going to have more anxious thoughts. I'm going to feel the need to triple check the locks, but when I do have those urges, I have someone to get me through it. I have someone to set me straight and help me see that it's something I can overcome.

I'm telling you all of this because I want you to feel the same freedom. Again, I don't want it to seem like I have something against medicine. I don't. I just don't want others to feel like it's their only option like I did. Zoloft numbed me. It took away the natural feelings I should have. It took away my deeper emotions. It did it's job, for a while. But it was time to do life without it and I'm darn proud of myself for it. I truly am, because life isn't easy. It's tough. We all have our things, but whether you have struggled with anxiety for 25+ years like I have or if you're just going through a tough season, God's got you. All you have to do is let Him. Let Him catch you. Let Him lift you up. He will never fail you. Ever. I promise. 

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Faith cures the incurable.

Incurable.

That's a scary word.

Faith.

That's a comforting word.

It's also a much more powerful word.

God commands us to have Faith. Faith doesn't know the meaning of the word incurable.
God can cure anything and anyone.

Madi was blessed enough to see that to fruition.

In 2016, after years of weekly fevers, breathing treatments, weekly doctor visits, numerous rounds of steroids, terrifying weight loss, and many days of missed school, she was diagnosed with Bronchiectasis.

Bronchiectasis is an INCURABLE, chronic illness.

About a year 1/2 ago, Paul and I made the difficult decision to take Madi off of her medication because we had seen vast improvement in her condition. She was on a corticosteroid inhaler twice a day, nebulizer treatments once a day, albuterol inhaler once a day at school, and vest treatments twice a day. After taking her off all of that, she was still thriving! Madi has not had lung issues in almost two years. Because of this, I reached out to get a second opinion on her condition. Despite it being "incurable," she seemed pretty cured to me.

Friday, June 28th, I was told that Madi no longer has Bronchiectasis. Wait, what? It's incurable they said. It will be with her for the rest of her life. She will have to do nebulizer treatments and vest treatments twice a day for years and years.

God had other plans. God CURED her. Oh how incredibly blessed we are! I can't remember now if I ever blogged about this but a few months ago I was at communal prayer at church and I got this overwhelming message from the Holy Spirit that Madi was cured. This was before the second opinion appointment. This was before the X-ray results. This was before the clinical confirmation.

I say all of this to say - Never give up hope. Always have faith. Trust God. And if things don't seem to be going your way, He still has a plan. You may not see it now, but it will all make sense eventually.

                                                    THEN                                      NOW

Rebuilt

The quote above is from a book I'm currently reading called La La Lovely by Trina McNeilly. 

At the end, there is a beginning. Oh how that resonates with me so very deeply. A few months ago, actually I can tell you the exact date - March 8, 2018, I hit the bottom. The end. The very rock hard bottom. 

I have struggled with a serious condition for as long as I can remember. I have to take medication for it and I have to see doctors about it, yet it's a condition I am often ashamed to admit having. My serious, sometimes debilitating condition, is anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety has controlled the majority of my adult life. I have many regrets from it and much of my life is lived in fear. Fears that span from if I left my hair straightener plugged in to traveling 30 hours across the world and turning right back around once I landed. On March 8, 2018 anxiety got the better of me. It altered my foundation and I did something I'm ashamed of yet I can honestly say I would not take it back if given the chance. You see, this ending turned into my beginning. My foundation was COMPLETELY rebuilt. Not restored - rebuilt. I'm now working towards living a full life.

On March 8, 2018 I called in sick to work for personal reasons and made same-day appointments with my family doctor and my therapist. (I want to tell my story but the cause of my anxiety is not really something I want to share because it's not only my story to tell. The cause isn't really necessary to relay what I'm trying to say here.)

I went to my family doctor that morning and explained to her that I literally felt like I had been holding my breath for weeks and could not let it out. I told her my medication was not doing its job. I told her that I couldn't function and I certainly was not being the kind of mother I needed to be. She prescribed me with Ativan and decreased my medication in preparation to switch to a different SSRI. 

I went home, turned my TV to the Beachbody app and proceeded to work out while crying my eyes out. I screamed as loud as I could while bawling in squat position. I don't know what I did to kill time the remainder of the day but that afternoon I went to my therapist appointment. 

She did not help me. It was not her job to "fix" me but it was her job to pay attention to me and refrain from googling everything I said. That appointment basically went like this: I cried my eyes out while trying to get words out. She gave me not very helpful, not very Christian advice while googling. 

That evening I went home and continued to just fall apart. My husband had to go get our oldest from Girl Scouts because I couldn't stop crying long enough to drive. Once he got home, he went into the bathroom and I began googling how much Ativan would cause some numbness/put me to sleep but NOT kill me. Let me say that again - I checked with a pharmacist and google to ensure that the 4.5mg of Ativan I was about to swallow would not kill me. I want to make that very clear and although it may not make sense to you, or the insurance company, or the hospital (more on that later) -- I did not want to kill myself. This was a cry for attention. A poor cry for help. A scream for attention really. And ultimately, an act of complete fear of my anxious thoughts. After swallowing 4.5 mg of Ativan I texted my brother and told him. I asked him to tell my husband. And the night gets a bit fuzzy from there.

What transpired over the next 72 hours forced me to look inside myself and reach out to God in complete desperation and realization. Lying in that hospital bed, Paul and I made the tough decision to admit me into an "Adult Behavioral Facility" also known as a mental hospital. That's right - I went to a mental hospital. As a teenager my mother often, very often in fact, threatened to send me to one. Little did I know that it would be the place that saved me from myself. Correction - the complete and utter loneliness and fear and boredom of the mental hospital - is what lead me to completely 110% surrender to God and give Him ALL my fears and ALL my anxiety and ALL my pain. It's not that I wasn't saved. It's that I was saved but did what so many of us Christians do. I had put God on the back-burner. I had neglected Him yet expected Him to fix me.

I'm not sure about you but when I thought of an overnight rehab facility (which maybe that was more of what this was than a mental hospital), I thought of a place to receive counseling and coping mechanisms. When Paul and I decided I should go there we thought I would be getting the help I needed by professionals. The reality is that no such thing occurred. I could write a completely separate post on my experience there, and maybe I will, but for now just know that the only help I received I received by searching within my self and coming to the "duh" realization that only God can see me through the toughest of times - through the deepest of ruts. Only. God.

You see, in that place there was nothing to occupy my time. Sure there was a television but the last thing I could do was focus on a TV show. I was given a pad of paper and a "pen" if you want to call it that. There were no games, no puzzles, no magazines, and no books. Within about 2 hours of being there I asked if they had Bibles. I was given a strange look and then handed a KJV Bible. Now, I don't know if you are used to reading KJV but I most certainly am not and I could not understand what I was reading for the life of me. I mean I tried to read it but it just didn't make much sense to me. So, I journaled - a lot. I wrote my prayers and wrote to people who still had a hold on me emotionally and mentally. I prayed. I prayed all day long. I prayed all night long my last night there.

I went into this place a depressed, fear-ridden, angry person and came out a determined, rebuilt, grateful sinner. My point is this - when you are going through the darkest of pain and the only way you see out is to make a rash decision to grasp any attention possible from those you love - don't. It's that simple. Just don't do it. Instead, get on your knees and cry out to God because God will ALWAYS give you the attention you so desperately need. He may not tell you what you want to hear. But He will always listen and He will always walk you through your pain. Had I reached out to God instead of swallowing those pills, do I think I would have still come to these realizations? I do. They may have taken a bit longer but I would not be $6000 in debt from hospital bills. I would not have the embarrassment and shame that I have. I would not have put my husband through complete terror and pain. I would not have the obligation of explaining to our children why I did what I did (when the time comes, of course). I truly believe God allowed me to fall on my face, hard, so that he could be there to pick up the pieces with me. He knew I would need him and He was right there - He was always right there. I had been waiting for my husband to make me happy. I had been waiting for my life to just turn into sunshine and rainbows without working at it. Let me tell you - life is WORK. I was surrendering to my anxiety instead of surrendering my anxiety to God.

When I got home from that terrifying yet transforming 72 hours at the loony bin (I say that in fun...I like to laugh at my crazy), I was a different person. I could feel it in my soul. I had doubters - my husband and my counselor, in fact. But did I blame them? Of course not. Who goes away for 72 hours and comes back a new person? I'll tell you who - a person who has given all of that ugliness to God. My anger did not completely subside. My fears and anxieties did not completely fade away. My negativity did not diminish completely. BUT my overall 360 degree view of my life had a new lens. I saw my life for what it truly was. I was blessed. God blessed me with this beautiful life and my lens had been fogged for so long that I needed a hard kick in the gut to see through the fog. With God, I can do this. I can do this life. I can push my anxieties back and I can control my anger. I can fight through the ungodly obstacles and temptations of this ungodly world and get on my knees and pray.

I am no longer a victim to anxiety. I am a survivor and you can be a survivor, too. You just have to WANT it. Surrender to the Heavenly Father and He can and will get you through ANYTHING.

Faith Wins

Today, PMDD is winning. Today, I feel defeated. Today, I feel alone. Today, I feel isolated. Today, I feel invisible. Today, I feel uncomfortable. Today, I feel rejected. 

Four days out from starting my period - it's right on time. PMDD never misses a beat. It doesn't forget a month. It doesn't lose track of time. It doesn't go on vacation. Or even worse - it DOES go on vacation (with you).

Today, PMDD is winning - rather, right now PMDD is winning. But, it's not going to take my entire day. I won't let it. Right now, I'm kicking it to the curb. I'm telling it to take a backseat and leave me alone. I'm praying to God to take over and take control. 

Right now, my faith will prevail. Right now, I will receive the comfort that only God can provide. Right now, I will see myself as God sees me. Right now, I will embrace the love that God has for me. Right now, I will know I am accepted by the One who matters most. Right now, I will overcome.

I hate you more than the word.

This morning was a little different, and a little similar, to most mornings in our house. I woke up, got ready, then woke Madi up. She pitched a fit about what she did and did not want to wear. And here is where it gets a little bit different – I wasn’t in the mood this morning. I just was not up for her “these are too tight” and “I don’t like those socks” and the never-ending helpmepickoutmyoutfitsoicansayidontwanttowearthat routine. So, perhaps it was my attitude that escalated things but regardless it escalated.

For 45 minutes I heard how much my sweet, innocent six year old HATES me. I heard how “if there was a trophy, you would win the worst mom in the world award!” I was told she hates me “more than the word” and “if I had something to throw, I would!”

{Had these words come from anyone other than my child or my step-child, I can’t say that the following would have taken place.}

As we got to the carline for drop off, Madi asked me to park so she could wipe her tears. I circled around the parking lot (because parking is just a hassle) and she wiped her tears, but she was still visibly upset. As she was getting ready to get out of the car and walk into school, I said to her “I love you no matter what you say to me. No matter what you do, I love you.” Then it struck me – that is pretty powerful. Someone just told me she hates me, kicked me, screamed at me, and hurt my feelings for 45 minutes and then I respond with “I love you.” The love we have for our children is so incredible. I wish I could say I would respond that way to a “friend” who did the same or a person on the street, but I can’t say I would.

I don’t have a profound conclusion to this except that God loves us a million times more than we love our children…that’s a heck of a lot of love. Madi may give me a run for my money most mornings, but no matter what she does, I will always love her. And no matter what we do, God will always love us.

After I dropped her off I called Paul while ugly crying in my car. Having him to lean on is so so amazing and I wouldn’t trade him, Madi, or Addi for the world.

Next time someone is mean to you, try being nice to them instead of retaliating. I think you will be shocked by the outcome.  

#Tired #of #the #labels

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  --Matthew 11:28-30

Jesus is a pretty cool dude.

Fo real. Yo.

No seriously, He is.

I have been feeling really unaccepted lately and I had already planned on blogging about it. I like to share things I'm struggling with, because I assume I'm not the only one.

The reason I said Jesus is a pretty cool dude is because today, as I was driving, I decided to listen to my church sermon (live! I love technology!) and sure enough, it was just what I needed to hear.

Everyone is different. No two people are exactly the same. We hear that all the time, and it's true - to a degree.

I'm different from the majority of the people I know in these ways:

• I hate to sleep. I have always hated to sleep, even as a baby (my poor parents). I just feel like it's a waste of time. I'll sleep when I'm dead.
• I don't like vegetables. I don't like seafood. I don't like most fruit. I don't like mexican food. I don't like japanese food. I don't like about 85% of foods. I do like fast food, chips, pineapple, sweets, and Italian food. 
• I have some for real OCD issues. I can't stand for things to touch my skin a certain way. Clutter makes me irritated. I bite my nails until they bleed.
• When I don't understand something, am in an uncomfortable social situation (unfamiliar surroundings), or am scared I get really uptight and come across as rude/unfriendly. I don't mean to. It's just my natural reaction to these situations.

These are just a few things that I know stand out about myself and that I identify as different from others. The ones in bold are the ones I really feel affect how others perceive me.

Lately, I've gotten a bit fed-up with others' reactions to my differences. I don't eat all the same foods as you. Yes, I bite my nails. Yes, I realize it's disgusting. No, I don't know how to stop. 

My point of this post is not to vent and rant but to say to those reading this, and to myself, that our reactions to others (whether intentional or unintentional) most likely leave an impression. I feel bad about myself when I see someone's reaction to me saying no thank you to eating a particular food. I feel bad about myself when I see someone's facial expression after they've glanced at me biting my nails. I am sure I have made someone else feel bad before when they are doing something I deem weird or different. I'm making a conscious effort going forward to be aware of my body language and my reactions to others. 

The sermon from today comes in to play with this topic because Perry talked about hashtags, or labels. All of that above - it's labels. Labels I've placed on myself. Labels that others have placed on me. Some good - some bad. 

I'm working on saying good bye to my negative labels - 

#unattractive - childhood issue that I need to let go

#nailbiter

#pickyeater

#unaccepted - due to all of the above

And I'm working on realizing these are my true labels - 

#beautiful

#new

#growing

#accepted

#jesusfollower

So, maybe this made sense. Maybe it didn't. I tried to capture the random thoughts in my chaotic brain. Basically, I'm sick of people making fun of me for who I am just because I'm different than they are. And I'm sure others feel the same way. Jesus loves us. I'm trying to remember that!

When we allow hashtags to control us, we don’t let God control us. #Change

My hope for you is that you've never been hurt.

I'm linking up with Sarah & Holly for Flash Forward Fun. The idea is to write a letter to our child(ren) for them to read in the future. Fair warning - this post is l-o-n-g. If you make it through, go buy yourself a cookie. 

Sarah & Holly provided some fun prompts so I'm going to do those too, but first the letter.

Dear M (pronounced "em"),
Writing this, I am picturing you - now a young lady, with your long brown hair curled at the ends. I see you with glasses, perhaps just a fashion statement, as you wore when you were 4 years old. You're dolled up in jewelry and wearing a dress, of course. Not pink though. You've moved on from pink. I think your favorite color is now green. 

My hope for you is that you've never been hurt. Unrealistic, yes, but still my hope. I hope you've found something to be passionate about - whether it's school, art, dentistry, or something completely different - I hope you love it. You are strong willed and a fighter so if it's something you want, I have no doubt you'll go after it. 

I want you to have a strong, intense relationship with God and I believe in my heart that you will. At age 4 you were telling me which of your friends you didn't think were Christians. You wanted to invite them to church - and you did. You care for others and I am sure that hasn't changed. I just pray that the events in your life up to this point have not strayed you from your affirmation that God is good. God is always good. The world may not be a nice place sometimes. But God is your refuge. 

I pray about your future husband. I have been since you were 4 years old. I pray that he is a Godly man. I pray he is someone who will love you in the best way. I pray that he is your best friend. You may be with him now. You may be dating, or you may be married. (I'm picturing you reading this when you're 18, so hopefully you are not married yet!!) With that being said, my advice in that area, is to take your time. Take your time getting married. There is no need to rush. Enjoy your twenties. Don't rush to have babies. Spend time alone - getting to truly know who you are: what you like, what you don't like, what you want, what you need. These things are much harder to figure out once you're with someone. I know my Madi girl though - you know this and chances are, you already know exactly who you are. That is something I didn't figure out until I was, well, 29 which is how old I am now. I may not even still have it all figured out. 

So to sum this all up, I hope you have found something you absolutely love, and I hope you do not make the same mistakes I made. I know you still have your determination and your hilarious spirit. You can make anyone laugh at any moment. I hope you are driving your pink & purple VW Beetle and I hope you're working at Aflac with me until you finish Dentistry school. I still have your blankie so come by and smell it anytime. And I'll gladly paint your nails and read you a Berenstain Bears book. 

I love you more than french fries sweet girl. So, so, so much more.

Love always,
Mommy
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Madi is currently 4 years, 10 months old. 

Personality: Madi already acts like she's grown-up so I really don't think her personality will change much at all. She has the best sense of humor. She is witty and sarcastic and laughs all the time! She gets frustrated quickly when she doesn't understand how to do something. 

I think the biggest change in her personality will be that she will open up. She is very shy right now, but I can already see improvement after four days of school!

Food Choices: She will most likely continue to be a picky eater. Hopefully she will branch out more; otherwise, she will be very bored with her food in a year or two. Chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, applesauce and crackers will only get you so far. Gotta at least add cheeseburgers to that list!

Near or Far: I would be very surprised if she moves far away from home once she's on her own. She is very much a family girl. She's surrounded by grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and of course her parents. She is very close with all of us. I think she will go to a local school, perhaps Clemson, if I keep her going in the right direction. ;) She wants to be a dentist and I truly believe that if she has a passion for it, she will become one. She has motivation even at the age of 4. I see big things for her in the future! 

Kids: We have talked a bit about the number of kids she wants. She has said one because any more than that would be too much work. Wow is she right! Guestimating - I predict she'll have three kids. Not sure the reason I think that - just seems right. 

Spirituality: I also must say that I see her love for Jesus only escalating with time. She already has such a solid understanding of who Jesus is and why we worship him. It's truly amazing. I give thanks for that to KidSpring, the children's ministry at my church - NewSpring, and I had a small part in it too. :) I definitely see her plugged in to a church and sharing the message with others. She already does that now! 

Tats, Piercings, & Risk-Taking: I'm saying she'll have no tattoos, no more piercings (she has her ears pierced already), and will be very much a rule follower. She's a dare devil already, but in the amusement park aspect, not the getting into trouble scene. 

Man this was fun but emotional! Link up to join in on the tears predictions of where your kids will be in the future.

Sunday Social 3

1. What are 3 items you can't live without on a daily basis (water, food, shelter, and clothes don't count)

a. Lip moisturizer (notice I didn't say Chapstick. I found an AMAZING lip moisturizer that is sooo much better. It's Nivea. Just trust me.) b. my phone, sad but true c. sugar. I eat some kind of candy, ice cream, chocolate every single day. It's an awful habit! 

2. What is your all time favorite book? Why?

The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes by Diane Chamberlain. It kept me on my toes on every page. It was a great story and had wonderfully depicted characters. Go get it now!

3. What is something you'd like to accomplish before the end of 2012?

I'd like to lose enough weight to fit into the dress I bought 2 years ago for my company Christmas party. It still has the tags on it. I'm done a pound so far! I think I need to lose ten though...

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4. If you could go back and relive any year of your life which year would it be?

I really don't think I'd want to. I am constantly growing and changing and experiencing new things. It's how we are meant to live life. :) 

5. What do you wish people knew about you without you having to tell them?

Hmmm how honest are we getting here? :)

Truthfully - I've heard people think I'm snobby because I don't say much when I first meet people. I'm not. I'm just a shy person. Promise!

Oh and the big one that is #1 for me - I wish they knew I was a Christian without me having to tell them. To me, I can never be a perfect person, but it would really mean I'm doing something right in my walk with God if I portray Him before even speaking. <><

I loved the questions this week! Hope y'all had a great weekend!

Toddler Talk Tuesday, Week 4

Last night I was laying in bed with Madi and she asked "Does God love evvvverrrybody?"
Me: "Yes, He does."
Madi: "Even bullies?"
Me: "Yep, even bullies."
Madi: "But why?"
Me: "Because God loves everyone, even if they aren't nice. Bullies probably are mean because they don't know who God is."
Madi (eyes wide): "I know! WE could tell them about Jesus and then they won't be mean anymore!!!!"

She sure knows how to make her mama proud. :)



Grab my button and link-up with me! I'd love to hear what things your children said this week!

Yes, God.

Some of you may remember when I posted this post almost a year ago. For those who didn't see it, my husband and I were planning to go to Kenya this past August on a mission trip with our church. We decided not to go due to financial reasons. Since then, my passion to go has only grown, multiplied even. I can honestly say I regret the decision not to go tremendously.

image via

Today though, my desire to go to Kenya was brought to the surface. Gary Snowzell, a pastor in Wales, spoke to our church. He spoke about passion in the church and passion in all that you do to serve the Lord. He asked the question "What is your passion?" Kenya was on my mind the entire service. Why Kenya? I feel like telling the WORLD about Jesus is every Christian's duty. It is our job, as fortunate people to hear God's word in complete freedom, to tell those less fortunate of hearing the gospel. I want more than anything to go to Kenya and be the person God has called me to be.

My husband is 100% supportive of me. He knows this will impact us financially, but he and I are trusting God, FULLY this time. The total cost of the trip for one person is $3,650, not including my passport and shots. Justin is praying about whether or not he will join me on this trip. He wants to be with me on this life-changing experience, but he also wants to make sure it is his calling as well.

I'm praying about which trip to go on and about the financial situation. If you would like to donate to my trip, please email me at bamorris4@gmail.com. I also hope to have a donation link added to my blog soon. If you could also pray for me and my husband and our trip, we'd appreciate it more than you know.

Thank you all for being so supportive of me and my crazy indecisiveness. I truly feel like God is telling me to do this and I couldn't be more excited!

"We won't be remembered by our opinions. We will be remembered by our passions." -Gary Snowzell