God's Got You

Three days ago I took my last dose of Zoloft, an SSRI (antidepressant/anxiety) medication. I have been on Zoloft, or some type of SSRI, for 17 years. That is HALF of my life.

Before I delve into my thoughts on this, let me preface by saying I firmly believe in the necessity of medication for depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. If I had diabetes I would not deprive myself of the insulin I needed. If your brain is not producing enough serotonin, which is what triggers depression/ & anxiety behaviors, then yes, of course you should visit a doctor and follow the course of action. My oldest daughter had debilitating social anxiety. She is currently on 25mg of Zoloft and now thriving. I believe medication is necessary...sometimes and for a time.

That being said...17 years ago when I first started taking Zoloft I definitely needed it. I was a Freshman in college and had dealt with anxiety/OCD for as long as I can remember. Here's the key - I wasn't a Christian. I thought I was but I wasn't so I was dealing with my anxiety all on my own. Alone. I was counting on being able to handle this daily, stressful, agonizing worry and stress by myself.

That just doesn't happen. It's not possible.

Fast forward a bit, in 2010 I became a Christian. Over the past decade I have had my ups and downs in my walk with God, but over the past 2 years I have become closer to God than ever before. About 8 months ago I made the decision to get off my medicine - to surrender, really - my anxious thoughts, occasional depression, and OCD behaviors to God. To let Him have them. And yes, you read that right - it took me 8 months to go from the maximum dose of Zoloft (200mg) to 0. Was it easy? Nope. Was it exhausting? Yep. Is it a struggle even now that I'm completely off? Yes. Do I feel like I'm going to cry at every single commercial? Yes. Am I succeeding? Yes. Yes, I am. Why? Because I have God.

Now let me go back to what I said before - serotonin levels in my brain were causing my anxiety. After 17 years on Zoloft I feel like that was plenty of time (more than enough, way more) to restore those levels. I'm not a doctor but based on some reading I do believe those medications are meant for short-term use. The problem is that we begin to believe we can't do life without them. We depend on them. But we don't have to! We can depend on God. God can get us through the anxious thoughts. God can be there for us when we feel like we have to make the bed 100 times (you think I'm joking -- wish I was!). God can be our crutch. 

Three days off of Zoloft and I'm feeling good. The journey to get here was rough, but it prepared me for this. It taught me how to go to God when in need. It taught me how to rely on the only One who can truly heal, completely and indefinitely. I'm going to have more anxious thoughts. I'm going to feel the need to triple check the locks, but when I do have those urges, I have someone to get me through it. I have someone to set me straight and help me see that it's something I can overcome.

I'm telling you all of this because I want you to feel the same freedom. Again, I don't want it to seem like I have something against medicine. I don't. I just don't want others to feel like it's their only option like I did. Zoloft numbed me. It took away the natural feelings I should have. It took away my deeper emotions. It did it's job, for a while. But it was time to do life without it and I'm darn proud of myself for it. I truly am, because life isn't easy. It's tough. We all have our things, but whether you have struggled with anxiety for 25+ years like I have or if you're just going through a tough season, God's got you. All you have to do is let Him. Let Him catch you. Let Him lift you up. He will never fail you. Ever. I promise. 

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All Jacked Up...

It's 11pm on a work night and I'm jacked up on sweet tarts, jr mints, and diet coke. You see, I have this problem where I have to constantly be doing something with my hands. So when I go on road trips, I bite my nails down to the core...or I eat a lot. In this case, I did both. It actually hurts to type right now because my fingers are so sore. Darn OCD/Anxiety!!! 

I went to Anderson tonight for a Kenya trip meeting!!!! It's getting SO close y'all. 42 days. I'm nervous and excited. I'm going to miss Madi soooo much and of course other people too. I'm just really glad Morgan is going too; otherwise, I know I'd be homesick from day 1. We got our itineraries tonight and learned a bit about the culture and what we will be doing in the village. So awesome!

Wellll since I clearly have too much energy to go to bed - here's a movie review:

This is 40... Go to redbox now and rent it. Y'all - if you can look past the horrible language (every 5 seconds) then you will laugh your butt off. This movie is hilarious. I have a hard time sitting still through movies lately (see above - OCD/Anxiety) but I was glued to the tv with this one. Maybe it's because I could totally see that being my life in 20 years 12 years, or maybe because I like Paul Rudd as an actor. Either way, watch it. The bathroom scene is my favorite. 

Let me know what you think about it! (PS. It advertises that it's the "sort of" sequel to Knocked-Up. Don't go by that because I HATED Knocked Up.)